Feeling Overwhelmed? Turn Towards Each Other, Not Away.

… It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity. It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.

– Adrienne Rich,  poet, essayist and feminist activist

Do you feel overloaded? Stressed? Are the affairs of the world weighing you down? Like so many people, I frequently find myself overwhelmed by the intensity of world affairs. To remain grounded and true to myself, I’ve felt the need to inwardly retreat (that’s why this is my first blog post in months). In my psychotherapy practice many clients describe a similar experience. They report being exhausted, not only from personal stress, but from the cumulative weight of the constant uncertainty of our times. Just living seems to require a level of emotional vigilance amidst the endless pull of information and distraction.

When our nervous systems become overloaded by the stress and anxiety of all the uncertainty, it becomes much harder to stay emotionally present with the people we love. Many couples find themselves inadvertently withdrawing from each another, not because they no longer care, but because they’re emotionally depleted. Fear, grief, anger, and feelings of helplessness can quietly erode patience, curiosity, affection, and connection.

In my couples practice, I notice this is especially true in people who tend to be the “strong one,” in their family of origins, or in their close relationships. They are the optimists, the ones trying to hold everything together. But when overwhelm persists for too long, even emotionally capable people can begin to shut down, grow irritable, disconnect, or retreat into isolation. Unfortunately, partners and spouses often misinterpret this withdrawal as a rejection of them. They see it as a lack of love, or the result of their own failures. In reality, it may be that their lover is struggling under sustained pressure. In effect, their partner’s nervous system is overloaded and they’re withdrawing as an act of self-preservation.

Dealing with Overload in Close Relationships

In times like these, it’s key to remember that many of us – and our loved ones – are carrying more extensive emotional burdens than we realize. The challenge then, becomes learning how to recognize overload both in ourselves and our loved ones, before the disconnection and alienation from overload has the chance to harden into resentment or loneliness.

Recognizing the behaviors that signal overload is an optimal way to start this process. Here are a few common signs:

• Withdrawing socially and preferring to “numb out” on the sofa with Netflix or scrolling on your phone.
• Overworking or using work as a way of “checking out” and disconnecting.
• Procrastinating and putting things off until “I feel motivated,” while at the same time, everything feels like it’s “too much.”
• Increasing alcohol/substance use and emotional eating or appetite loss.
• Verbally snapping at loved ones, including pets.
• Becoming unusually quiet, unavailable or distracted and needing excessive time alone.
• Looking emotionally absent during conversations.
• Being more critical of others while at the same time, being more defensive toward others.
• Forgetting commitments
• Losing your sense of “relational generosity.”

This last one, “loss of relational generosity” is particularly common in the couples I work with. This occurs when partners stop embracing good intentions in themselves and in their loved ones. They’re less likely to give their partner the benefit of the doubt. They often need to double check before they trust the other. For couples who have lost their relational generosity, everything starts feeling combative, heavy, or disappointing.

Turning Toward One Another In Times of Stress and Uncertainty

What should you do if you and your loved ones are turning away from each other in the face of stress and uncertainty? What should you do if your “emotional generosity” toward each other is gone? Relationship expert John Gottman encourages couples to do the opposite; to “turn toward” one another during times of stress rather than allowing yourselves to slowly drift apart. One strategy Gottman offers is for couples to do small, thoughtful acts of connection that help partners feel cared for and less alone. He calls these acts, “bids for connection.” These small “gestures of connection” are especially crucial during difficult times when they are too easily forgotten.

Here are several other “gestures of connection” that are simple, but meaningful:

1. Send copies of newspaper articles you think your partner will find interesting, while explaining why you found them a compelling read. That draws the overwhelmed person out of their self-imposed shell while it acts as a gesture of care. Another option is to send your partner a brief summary of the morning headlines, so they don’t have to absorb the full weight of the daily news cycle on their own.
2. Provide a light, comforting touch to your partner’s shoulder, hand or back to let them know you’re there and that you are going through this together.
3. Without being asked, offer to pick up a piece of the household workload.
4. Use humor and irony to lighten the load! Share jokes, funny Instagram videos, or enjoy a televised comedy show together that you both will enjoy.
5. Couples’ therapist and author, Terry Real, often jokes that many couples have “ADD- appreciation deficit disorder”. To counteract this phenomenon, start incorporating the ritual of providing “daily appreciations” either verbally, in-person or through text, voicemail or post -it notes. Here are examples: “What I appreciate about you today is you taking out the trash.” Or “what I appreciate about you today is your beautiful, brown eyes.” When we genuinely tell our partners how much we appreciate them, we drop our defenses, which opens us up to change. Both parties – the one giving the appreciation and the one receiving it- can use daily appreciations to step out of their funk.
6. The evening check-in. This unassuming practice is one of the most effective ways to communicate to loved ones that you care. You as a couple – or as a family – sets aside a time in the evening after each day to describe what happened during your day and how you felt about it. Each person gives the other the gift of their attention and undivided listening as an act of love and support. You are already sharing your life with your partner and kids, so talk about what it was like for you! Each of you deserve the undivided attention of the other! Yes, you may have had a hell day, but talking about it and being heard by loved ones is one of the best ways to go beyond the disappointment and hurt.

Each of us deserves to be in a warm, supportive close relationship. I believe it’s a basic human right. How to maintain a close and supportive relationship through life’s ups and downs, however, is no easy task. Hopefully, the gestures of connection just described will help you weather the downs together while allowing you to joyfully sail along when the wind is at your back. Ultimately, weathering those downs and ups is a process that in the end, is what makes us human, as is the opportunity to share them with our intimate partners and loved ones.