From all appearances, Cheryl and Sam* are in love. They thoroughly enjoy their time together, are affectionate and are a delight to be around. Recently, their relationship has become serious. They aren’t dating anyone else and there’s been talk of marriage. But during the “betwixt and betweens” of their relationship, when they aren’t spending time together, Cheryl finds herself spinning out emotionally. When Sam’s 10 minutes late, she feels really nervous and agitated. When he finally arrives, she lashes out at him in a way that she later regrets. That’s off-putting to Sam, for he was simply held up in traffic. Cheryl is also super- jealous. With no tangible evidence to support it, she remains constantly worried that Sam will leave her or someone will “steal him” away, which makes her suspicious. She responds by trying to control Sam. Other times, when Sam doesn’t behave to her expectations, she quickly becomes angry with Sam, which creates cycles of self-doubt for Cheryl because she knows that’s self-defeating and turns Sam off. In reality, Sam is devoted to Cheryl. He loves her and is looking forward to building an ever-stronger relationship with her. Cheryl’s fears about being rejected by Sam arouses intense feelings for her; feelings that she has trouble reasoning through. She wants to trust Sam more, but doubts her ability to do so. Cheryl understands that her fears are creating negative cross-currents in her relationship with Sam, but they keep getting the best of her.
The kinds of fears that Cheryl is experiencing are not that unusual. Such fears can powerfully shape how we relate to others. Unless managed, however, they can negatively impact our capacity for intimacy and become a self-fulling prophecy that pushes the people we want to spend time with, away. Cheryl is not alone. One of the most common ‘core’ fears individuals face in romantic partnerships – and the one that is likely driving some of Cheryl’s fears – is the fear of being rejected or “dumped” by a romantic partner. This deep-seated anxiety can be a real relationship blocker and can lead to a range of issues, from communication breakdowns to emotional withdrawals to angry outbursts. This article takes a look at this issue and offers some suggestions how couples might work their way through it.
Where Does the Fear of Rejection and Abandonment Originate?
The fear of rejection and abandonment often stems from past experiences—perhaps a childhood marked by inconsistent or neglectful parenting which in turn, becomes internalized in the children subjected to such parenting practices as anxiety and ambivalence about relationships. Research suggests that these early relational patterns and expectations can be carried forward, adversely coloring later relationships. This line of reasoning, inspired by attachment theory, holds that a major obstacle in couples’ pursuit of intimacy is lack of security. Another source of the fear of rejection and abandonment can come from previous relationships where trust was broken in excruciating ways. The dynamics of a new relationship, under such conditions, can be a series of painful triggers, invoking the past’s emotional pain. When this happens, relationships can turn into minefields.
Societal pressures that push us to aspire for unreachable ideals – from perfect bodies to perfect emotions to perfect lives, can force people to flail about in their human inadequacies, leaving them vulnerable to feelings of unworthiness.
When the fear of rejection and abandonment goes unaddressed, it can create a toxic cycle in a relationship. The constant anxiety and need for reassurance can exhaust both partners, leading to resentment, frustration, serious communication breakdowns, and a gradual erosion of emotional and sexual intimacy. Couples struggling across this jagged emotional terrain can decide to call it quits.
Some signs that cycles of fear of rejection and abandonment are shaping your relationship include the following:
Clinginess or Neediness: One romantic partner’s constant need for reassurance and validation can put undue pressure on the other in the relationship, leading that person to feel emotionally suffocated.
Avoidance of Vulnerability: To protect from potential hurt, one partner in a close relationship may avoid deep emotional connections, leading to emotional distance creating an unsatisfactory relationship.
Jealousy and Insecurity: An overwhelming fear of losing a partner can result in jealousy and the need to control the other. That in turn, erodes trust and intimacy.
Self-Sabotage: In some cases, individuals may unconsciously push their partner away to avoid the pain of potential rejection, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Strategies to Mitigate the Fear
The good news is that with conscious effort and the right psychological practices, couples can work together to overcome the fear of rejection and abandonment. Here are some strategies that can help:
- Open Communication:
- During emotional upheavals, try to have a ‘heart to heart’ talk. Start by acknowledging one’s fears and describe how this is impacting one’s experience. Naming the specific behaviors that trigger the fears can be helpful. Explain to your partner the “story” of how and why you respond in a particular way reflects your past experiences. That way, you create an opening for your partner to respond to you with empathy and compassion. That in turn, can help assuage both the fear and the reaction to fear.
- Active listening. When your partner shares their fears, listen without judgment or defensiveness. Put your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors aside and truly be present to what they are saying. This creates a safe space for them to express their vulnerability, which is a first step toward understanding why a loved one feels this way and how it is negatively affecting them.
- Practices that Strengthen Trust:
- Develop trust-building habits in your relationship, such as keeping promises, being consistent, and showing mutual respect for each other.
- Make time for regular check-ins with your partner to discuss your emotional and sexual needs. This can help maintain a strong connection and reduce fears of abandonment.
- Create a safe space in the relationship free of skepticism, fear, and ridicule where both partners feel safe sharing their needs, fears, and desires without fear of judgment or rejection.
- Therapeutic Support:
Couples therapy or individual counseling can be very effective in identifying the underlying issues that contribute to the fear of rejection and abandonment. Once the causes of these feelings are identified, then therapeutic strategies in the therapist’s ‘tool kit’ can be applied to remedy the situation.
The fear of rejection and abandonment is a natural human experience, but it doesn’t have to poison one’s relationship. By acknowledging the feelings aroused by these fears with one’s partner and talking openly about them, couples can begin to take steps to building models of intimacy that are free of these toxic emotions. That leads to one of the most captivating truths about fears of rejection and abandonment: The “cure” for excessive fears of rejection and abandonment is a stable, secure loving relationship. Over time, with consistent love and intimacy, people overcome their fears. There is reason to be hopeful for Cheryl and Sam and the many others who struggle with these feelings.
*These are made-up names representing typical cases.