“Men think she’s not interested in sex, but it’s not that… she’s not interested in the sex she’s gonna have. In order to have sex, it needs to be sex that is worth wanting. It’s about making it more alive and vibrant.”
– Esther Perel, (Perel, as cited in Bartlett, 2025).
With the heterosexual couples I see in my therapy practice, I often hear the same complaints from male partners:
- Her libido is gone.
- She’s just not interested.
- We never have sex anymore.
But when I investigate further into their sexual relationship, a different story emerges: A couple that describes their sex life in a disconnected way. They sound emotionally distant and flat; not because either partner is “broken,” but because their sexual life has lost its pulse, its energy.
Why Couples Get Stuck
Most couples dealing with sexual dissatisfaction share several common patterns.
- Talking about sex is awkward and potentially humiliating, so they avoid it altogether. When couples don’t talk about sex, the sexual relationship becomes guesswork, resentment builds, intimacy withers and the silence grows into distance.
- They believe sex should be “natural and effortless,” like in movies or on TV.
Many couples assume that if sex takes effort, somethings wrong. But the reality is great sex in long-term relationships requires intentionality, communication and yes; work. Effort doesn’t kill desire, it builds it. - They resist scheduling sexual activity because it “kills spontaneity.”
My response is usually, “You haven’t had sex in months or years. How is not agreeing on a sexual routine working out for you?” Which brings them back around to their reality. Their sex life together is not working and they don’t make space for it.
There are, of course, several reasons why sex becomes dissatisfying in relationships. Let me share with you a couple. Often overlooked in discussions about these matters is male physical performance problems. Men can become anxious about how they will perform in bed and that anxiety shows up in the body and makes sexual activity challenging for them. Behaviors such as nervous tics or twitching, or unwanted giggling can deter from the normal building of sexual excitement during sex.
Some men are diagnosed with early (premature) ejaculation; clinically defined as ejaculation within 60 seconds of penetration (APA, 2013). This is much more common than men think. Often, men simply aren’t aware of their arousal levels and don’t know how to relax the pelvic floor (PC) muscles, which is a key factor in prolonging sex. The good news? It’s very treatable.
Others are diagnosed with erectile dysfunction (ED)– the inability to get erect or to maintain an erection during partnered sex. Its prevalence increases sharply with age; from about 2% of men under the age of 50 to nearly 40-50% of men in their 60’s and 70’s (APA, 2013). ED can happen for physical reasons (age, blood flow, medical issues) emotional reasons (stress, relationship tension) or a mix of both. Here’s the thing: men tend to get erections when they feel relaxed and lose them when they’re feeling stressed or pressured.
To make the situation even more challenging, often in cases of early ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, it’s seen as the man’s job to “get this fixed” on their own, without the support of their partner. That can create even more anxiety and dissatisfaction!
The Impact on Male Self-Esteem
Sexual issues can wreak havoc on a man’s self-esteem because in American culture, men’s identity is often tied to performance (see my earlier blog post on men’s self-esteem), including sexual performance. When a woman criticizes his sexual ability (often without offering guidance or making a reasonable request) he may feel:
- like a failure
- unworthy
- ashamed
- anxious
- emotionally withdrawn
This leads to what I call the “more the more” problem. The more she criticizes him, the more he shuts down, the more he shuts down, the more she criticizes. It’s a downward spiral leading to more dysfunction. One of the takeaway lessons here is that criticism rarely invites closeness.
Another dynamic I frequently see, is where one partner (often the female, but not always) needs emotional closeness to want sex. The other partner needs sexual closeness to feel emotionally connected. No one budges. No one extends generosity. Both feel deprived. I call this marital sadism – not because anyone is intentionally cruel, but because both partners end up hurting each other by withholding what the other needs.
So what kind of advice do I give to a man who is in a relationship with a woman where this is going on?
What NOT to do:
- Don’t keep your feelings of pain and resentment bottled up where they can fester
and grow. Unspoken pain eventually leaks out sideways, in sarcasm, withdrawal or emotional outbursts. - Don’t beat yourself up. Sexual issues are common, treatable and not a moral failing.
- Don’t secretly reach out to someone else to try to get your needs met. This often does more harm than good.
Here’s some suggestions of what TO do:
- Do see a qualified sex therapist. You deserve real support.
- Do speak honestly with your partner about what’s happening. Silence breeds disconnection.
- Do use resources available to you and your partner. For example, you both might explore the women’s pleasure resource: OMGYES
Two helpful books I recommend are, Cockfidence by Celeste Hirschman, MA and Danielle Harel, Ph.D. and The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D.
Sexual intimacy isn’t one person’s job. It’s a shared experience that requires communication, curiosity, and generosity from both partners.
In my next post, I’ll explore the female side of sexual disconnect, and how couples can rebuild a sexual relationship that feels alive, meaningful, and worth the effort.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
Bartlett, S. (Host), & Perel, E. (Guest). (2025, June 12). Sex Expert (Esther Perel): The Relationship Crisis No One Talks About That’s Killing Your Sex Life! [Video]. The Diary of a CEO. YouTube.