Years ago, I was set to teach a women’s workshop entitled, “Unraveling the Pleasure Paradox & Embracing Erotic Energy.” To my surprise, only one person registered. After cancelling the event due to low numbers, I consulted with trusted colleagues who told me the title was wrong. The word “erotic” was too “scary” for modest Minnesotans, they held, since it was associated explicitly with sex. I retitled my workshop, “The Power of Pleasure- You Deserve it!” – and behold, it filled!
My audience’s understanding of the word “erotic” was based on a sexualized definition because that’s how it’s routinely used in our world. Sourced to the Greek word ‘eros’ (and through that tradition, to a host of mythological stories), the word has several meanings associated with relationships, feelings, love, sex, passion, even fertility. Over the course of more recent history, it has been reduced to sexuality and sensual desire only. Yet efforts to reclaim and expand its meaning exist. Feminist writer, professor and civil rights activist, Audre Lorde, held that the erotic is a form of creative energy that infuses vital relationships.* Empowered people who bring love and joy to their lives are filled with it. That is quite a range of definitions! What can we learn about eros – or the erotic – and its role in our close, modern relationships?
Passion and Sex in Long Term Relationships
In my work as a couples’ therapist, I often encounter couples who complain about diminishing desire for each other or in other cases, mismatched levels of sexual desire, with one partner wanting more sex than the other. I can tell by looking at them, by their posture, body language, and their overall energetic connection (or lack thereof) that as a couple, they need a “jumpstart” in their relationship. I then guide them on what I call an “erotic rescue mission.”
You may have experienced this – when close romantic-sexual relationships are new, they often are saturated with erotic love energy. Passion is high. Sex is frequent. Emotional bonding is normal under these circumstances. However, over time, those intense feelings diminish. Why?
There are certainly physiological reasons why passion (and eroticism) fades over time in romantic-sexual relationships. Neuroscience documents that some of the changes can be attributed to normal alterations in our brain’s biochemistry. When we begin a romantic-sexual relationship, fizzy brain neurotransmitters associated with desire pull lovers together like magnets. Yet over time, we simply cannot continue to make these brain chemicals at the levels that can continue to feed intense desire. With that change, the intense feelings of attraction diminish. Sadly, for some couples, that spells the end of the relationship (Fisher, 2000)**. Another reason for declining passion is, as our bodies age, the sex hormones circulating through our systems decrease. Lower levels of sex hormones can be linked to reduced desire.
Esther Perel (2006)***, the famed couple’s therapist and author claims that another culprit is that culturally created relationship stereotypes feed these ideas that the erotic ‘naturally’ diminishes over time. She points out that in our culture, maturing love in long term romantic-sexual relationships is marked by deepening friendship and mutual respect which performs the important function of supporting relationship stability over time. That is assumed to be a natural and equal trade- off for diminishing erotic passion. Another explanation for diminishing passion and desire in couples is life “gets in the way.” The challenges of parenting, work demands and even accumulated resentment from unresolved conflicts can hamper or diminish the erotic connection. Under these conditions, Perel declares, the notion that eroticism “naturally” diminishes over time becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is truth to these findings. Romantic-sexual feeling is fueled by brain chemistry and undergirded by cultural stereotypes. But in this case, biology nor culture are destiny. There is another determinative piece to the puzzle, and that is the power of our minds and hearts to shape our experiences. Proof? There are couples in long term relationships who maintain their passion for each other, and whose eroticism remains strong. The erotic connection is easy to spot in these lovers. They are the ones who flirt with one another no matter how long they’ve been together. They give compliments to each other. There are public displays of affection, like kissing, hand holding, affectionately sharing their food or sitting and letting their knees touch. These behaviors are rooted in a deep love for one another, a shared sense of adventure, mutual curiosity and the willingness to be vulnerable. Perel (2006) proposes that couples who nurture the erotic connection possess an “erotic intelligence.” They remain playful with each other, both in and out of the bedroom. They are curious about one another, they are alive physically, intellectually and sensually and they face challenges together and openly.****
Another refutation of the stereotype that desire decreases over time? An amazing story from the managers of a nursing home who suspected that their senior residents were more sexual than stereotypes suggested. They set aside a special ‘conjugal relationship’ room that the aged tenants and their partners could reserve for romantic-sexual trysts. Critics snickered, and predicted the room would remain empty. To the managers’ surprise, the room was booked up weeks in advance! Conjugal Relationship Rooms are now far more common in nursing homes.
The Erotic Rescue Mission
For the couples I work with who want to work on improving their sexual romantic experiences and engage in an erotic rescue mission, the first thing to do is dispel these limiting stereotypes and put the myth of biology determining eroticism away. The second thing is to show how cultural expectations can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Couples therapy can help address old resentments and emotional unfinished business weighing things down. Finally, I provide techniques to help restore feelings of passion and eroticism. Here are some simple exercises you can try with your partner.
Keep in mind that as a sex therapist I often tell my clients the brain is the body’s most sensitive erotic organ and the skin is the largest sensual organ.
Feathering
The couple lies down in their bed together and removes enough clothing so their skin is exposed. If they are comfortable being naked or near naked, that is probably best in this exercise. Decide who will give the feathering first (Partner A) or receives the feathering (Partner B). Partner B gets comfortable and closes their eyes. Partner A gently strokes and brushes their partner’s entire body with a feather, consciously letting the energy of their heart, their caring and appreciation, flow down through their arms and into the touching. Partner B allows the sensations in. They are encouraged to welcome the touching, to express their feelings with sounds and sensuous movements and to talk to their partner about what they are experiencing. Then switch partners.
Fingertip Stroking
Try the same exercise with a light fingertip stroke (Anand, 1989).*****
Wake Up the Senses and Trust Your Partner
The materials needed for this practice are a blindfold and several household items. (Carrellas, 2007).****** Separately both partners hunt around the house for articles that engage the senses of taste, smell, touch, and sound. Examples include objects that stimulate the taste, such as chocolate, fruit, whipped cream, mustard, salt, or pickles. Or objects that engage smell, such as essential oils, spices, rich soil, or coffee beans. Objects that are best touched, such as silk, ice cubes, leather, sandpaper, or even your fingernails. Or objects that stimulate hearing, such as bells, drums, chimes, or your whisper
One Partner delivers the stimulation (Partner A) and the other receives (Partner B). Focus on one sense at a time. Partner B is blindfolded and Partner A sits in front of them. Partner A slowly uses each sensory object to gently stimulate Partner B. Partner B is encouraged to make sounds, oohs or aahs (although regular speaking is discouraged). Slowly run through each sense.
When finished, sit in silence for a few moments. Partner B’s blindfold is removed and then a sharing of experiences. Change positions.
Be an erotic trailblazer!
There is no doubt that the character of erotic feelings in long term relationships change over time. That requires couples to be creative, to exercise their “erotic intelligence” and set aside time to enjoy each other. Here is my call to you. Let us be erotic trailblazers, knock over these cultural constraints and small-thinking biochemical models that needlessly deprive us of feelings of pleasure, and enjoy the beauty and joy of the erotic for the rest of our lives!
References
*Lorde, A. (1984). Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches. Berkeley, CA: Crossing Press
** Fisher, H. (2000). Lust, attraction, attachment: Biology and evolution of the three primary emotion systems for mating, reproduction and parenting. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy. 25(1), 96-104. Retrieved from: http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/wzjs20#.VYLti1x0H60
*** Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity, unlocking erotic intelligence. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
****ibid
***** Anand, M. (1989). The art of sexual ecstasy: The path of sacred sexuality for Western lovers. New York, NY: Tarcher Putnam.
****** Carrellas, B. (2007). Urban tantra: Sacred sex for the twenty-first century. New York, NY: Celestial Arts.